Sometimes he’s just not that into you. You send a text hoping for an elaborate reply on how much he misses you. Or at least any reply at all. Instead you’re left with a big fat giant ‘read’ on your Facebook messenger.
Cue social mortification.
I had a melodramatic breakdown about a week ago (which you may have caught on if you read the previous post). But I guess your 20s are just filled with existential dread and crises, one after another after another until you hit 30! I’m presuming they stop by then, right? Hopefully by the time I have my own flat in NYC, where I will write and live a private life with my dachshund called Jimmy.
So now the emotional tidal wave has flattened out and I’m beginning an upward loop. It’s almost as if I went so far low that I’ve been catapulted to cloud nine right now. Or maybe it’s just a sense of delirium. When you hit a rockbottom, after experiencing the initial turmoil, you eventually feel a click. If there is nothing loose anymore, it’s all really fair game. Be your silly child like self. Go out on a limb and reach out to that person you find really cool. Eat the (whole) block of chocolate. Laugh at your own dad jokes.
I’ve had a week filled with museums, avocado and social interaction. Unfortunately not all at once. I’ve now crossed off the Rijks and the Van Gogh museum – both I can highly recommend, although the Rijks was a little too dense that I had to skim through the last floor as my brain was about to combust and my stomach was about to collapse in on itself. It was unfortunate because this floor had many of Rembrandt’s paintings (which I had came for) including the Night Watch. But the Night Watch was actually obscured by a giant x-ray that was scanning the painting for it’s chemical elements (they are trying to capture the first version as it has been repainted over a few times).
I have just come back from a documentary screening called Three Identical Strangers; I’m still buzzing from it. In my Nature vs Nurture class, we were discussing twin studies and the mention of this movie came up about the story of triplets who were separated at birth to be studied and then reunited after nearly 20 years. I was so impressed by it, I mean not only the story but the choice in structure and editing, which I can’t help not noticing being a media student. I mean, I am terrible with a camera but I can appreciate when there’s been both excellent creative and journalistic decisions made. I’m also really happy because I invited my whole block to come with me to watch it, and I was low key worried I had hyped it up too much. I hadn’t hype it up enough.
I started this post with a little tibit about my attention seeking ways in the form of reaching for external validation. I have been thinking a lot about the concept of intimacy the last two weeks. Not in any way related to sex (although that may have been a factor for messaging so-and-so) but in a general sense of closeness, understanding, and belonging. Something that is available in platonic relationships which hold a kismet connection. Or with familial ties.
I really miss intimacy! I have been traveling and overseas now for nearly 3 months, and whilst I come into contact with sooooo many people, these moments of contact are often brief, or they are kept shallow or they lack depth… You can be surrounded by people all the time but still feel void of true human connection.
I had messaged this guy, partly out of wanting to stir the pot and suss his reaction (or lack thereof) but also partly because I was feeling low and unworthy and wanted someone to tell me “you’re okay, you’re wanted, I want you.”
I wanted to plug in someone else’s electrical cord into my powerpoint to feed me self worth. I wanted to feel a contrived form of intimacy, which unfortunately will never come if I keep saying much but never what I mean.
Ironically, this all has nothing to do with him. As soon as I hit send I knew this is all really about me. The fact that I was triggered at all, my heart sent into shambles and me obsessively checking my phone to see if he was online or had replied, said more in itself.
My shadowy self is rearing it’s ugly backside at me!! And it’s telling me that I’m unwanted, pathetic, sad, a loser and desperate. It tells me that I am unlovable.
But I’m here to shout back “FUCK YOU I AM NOT ANY OF THESE THINGS AND I DESERVE BETTER!”
Maybe it was a stupid decision to message. But maybe it was just what I needed to do to put myself into check , illuminating the damaging limiting beliefs I still subconsciously loop on (yes I reference Lacy Phillip’s work all the time please do yourself a favour and do her work).
Sometimes you got to just run into the fire. You got to ride the emotional wave. You got to do the thing you shouldn’t do, make mistakes both small and humungous. It’s all Gucci man.
I probably sound a bit more neurotic from post to post. Or maybe it’s just me deciding I don’t really care what other people think.